How to Be the ULTIMATE Coffee Shop Barnacle
If you’re thinking about those rock-like parasites that attach themselves to whales and boats, I’m not talking about those. I’m talking about the barnacles that you see at your local coffee shops and borders / barnes & nobles bookstores.
By definition:
A barnacle is a long term low profitable customer.
My definition:
The dude in the back that orders a small coffee that sits in the same spot for 8 hours, taking up space, leeching off the internet, and staring awkwardly at anything of interest.
Love it or hate it, but barnacles are here to stay. There’s no such thing as a free lunch, however being a barnacle is the closest thing to that free lunch. I am a barnacle and I’m pretty damn proud of it. It’s frugal if done right and everyone benefits, including the owner of the establishment.
Here are some tips to being the ULTIMATE coffee shop barnacle:
Bring other folks with you that succumb to buying pressures.
As a barnacle, your goal is to minimize spending while you take up precious resources (electricity, space, and bandwidth). You won’t be perceived as a cheapskate or leech by the staff if you arrive with folks that spend frivolously on biscottis, carrot cakes, and Oreo Javakula’s.
Don’t be a noise nazi.
I absolutely hate noise nazi’s. Coffee shops are meant to be like “Central Perk” from the TV show “Friends”. It’s a place where people can get together, catchup, study, read a newspaper, laugh out loud (lawl), and soak in the surroundings of people’s lives in action. It’s the worst when you have someone look up at you with an elitist snarl on their face because you’ve interrupted their train of thought on some complex linear algebraic algorithm. Coffee shops aren’t libraries folks! Invest in some high quality noise-cancelling headphones or low quality ear plugs… problem solved!
Build rapport with the staff.
Chat it up. Get to know the baristas and owners. Maybe, just maybe, they’ll be nice enough to upgrade your usual small coffee into a medium for free. Plus, if you get to know them, they won’t classify you as a leech unlike the uber geek in the back playing World of Warcraft leading an Onyxia raid. 50 dkp minus for you!
Look up and smile every now and then.
You probably don’t know it, but everyone emits certain vibes about themselves. It is more so apparent in coffee shop environments when it’s usually cramped up like a can of sardines. For me, I have to keep reminding myself to smile because usually I have this look on my face that I like to think is mysterious and dashing, but often gets mistaken as angry and creepy. Stupid face!
The goal is to make your environment more inviting so other customers can enjoy their stay as much as you are. You never know, someone hot might just want to sit next to you.
Support the establishment.
My local coffee shop has entertainment and exhibitions a couple times a month. Show up and support the local artist or bands. You don’t have to purchase anything or donate. Your face time and presence will be acknowledged and go a long way with the staff.
Don’t bring your entire office with you.
Like I mentioned in the On the Fringe of Frugality article, I once saw a guy plug in a fax machine at local coffee shop. What the eff? Just take the laptop, suitcase, book/newspaper and notepad. Shoot, that list can be minimized even further. You get the idea though.
Treat it like it’s your own home.
That means: Don’t write on the bathroom stalls or table tops. Dispose of your cigarette butts in its proper receptacle. Don’t spill liquid on the floor and NOT tell anyone. Don’t use all the half and half and leave the bottle empty so the next person has to deal with it. And lastly, don’t piss on the toilet seats (although you probably do this at home).
After reading this, you should be well on your way to becoming the ULTIMATE coffee shop barnacle. Do you do the whole coffee shop thing? Share with us your best coffee shop snob / barnacle stories.
再见! (Chinese)
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Photo Credit: UNR Photography
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Heh, never heard the term “barnacle” to describe this sort of customer–but I’ve definitely barnacled at times. Great tips on how to barnacle well.
Hello everyone. My name is Miles and I am coffee shop barnacle.
On the more serious note, if you own a coffee shop and don’t provide wifi, you are missing out on a whole lot of income potential.
@Bobby: Barnacle is actually a marketing / business management term that I learned a few years back. Conveniently, I learned it while being a “barnacle” at a coffee shop through a buddy of mine that was studying for a college midterm at the same table.
@Miles: Welcome to the club. I like to go on record and say that I’m actually happy that “Starbucks” makes it really difficult to obtain WiFi at their locations. Being a barnacle for years, I’ve been to many indie coffee shops and have grown to love several of them. Undoubtedly, a lot of them will suffer if starbucks ever chooses to ease up on their wifi policies.
I just stumbled upon your site. I love it because its amazingly clean and flows well.
Just giving you a thumbs up and keep up the good work.
Zen,
Great site, awesome points all and very nicely done!
Barnacles seen in another light are, “core customers” for these establishments making them look interesting, populated and serve to draw in more customers – that’s the primary reason they offer things like free wifi.
These folks are the dependable regulars who, while they may not spend a lot of coin each day, have worked it into their budget so they can do frequently and that, over the long term, has way more cred with shop owners than the person who comes in, drops a bunch of money, and doesn’t return for another month.
Keep the good stuff coming!
Good article on how to be a barnacle.
But, I never really got the point of barnacle-ing. Spend $3 a day on a small coffee to leech wi-fi and electricity for a few hours. That’s $90 for a typical 30-day month. With high speed internet companies offering deals like $19.99 a month for the first six months and $59.99 a month after that, I’m hard pressed to find barnacle-ing frugal. I’d save the money spent on coffee and put it towards high speed internet in my own home. Save your gut the unnecessary calories, have the convenience of high-speed internet anytime at home, keep all the bandwidth for yourself. PROFIT.
I used to be a Borders barnacle but not for wifi. It was the only place I could study for long periods of time (i.e. 3-4 hours for me) when I was studying for the CFA exams. I studied best with my ipod volume on max and with lots of people around because it keeps me awake and focused. Also, because it was so hard to get a seat…once I got one, it forced me to stay and study longer than I typically would. I would typically order a large coffee. When Di was studying for her license, we used to barnacle at Starbuck for hours…she would be studyig, I would be mostly napping
@DK – Did you use StumbleUpon? I’m curious. Thanks for stopping by.
@Max – You’re definitely right about that, they are the “core customers” because the income they bring in is pretty much constant and hopefully enough to keep up with variable costs so the business can live to operate another day.
@David – A lot of folks find that they can be more efficient by escaping from their home environments to do work/study/etc. Especially to meet up with friends/coworkers working on the same project or studying for the same test.
As I write this, I’m sitting in a coffee shop right now. Looking around me, I see people wrapped up in warm clothes working diligently. I see nursing students collaborating on testing material. I see someone going through a stack of business cards, and I’m sitting next to two other bloggers. I see people in all walks of life doing something to make their life better. And of course, I see someone that has been on FaceBook for the past 2 hours.
It’s really up to personal preferences in the end as to what working environment helps you the most.
A small drip costs around $1.10 and indie shops usually give free refills. I’m not sure where you get your coffee, but you definitely need to change places or direct others that frequent the likes go to another place. I believe mochas and lattes are up around $3. I’m not going to argue that making your own cup of joe is the best thing to do, cuz it is. I recommend the book “Freakonomics” by Stephen Dubner and Steven Levitt, they talk about the $3 “latte factor” that you just mentioned.
Frugal in this sense is about utilizing other resources at a low cost. Heating and electricity bills are really expensive, especially now in the winter. Luckily at most coffee shops, the central heating is always on to keep it a nice moderate temp.
Barnacling is a huge thing nowadays, and as i mentioned above, “love it or hate it”, it’s here to stay.
@Chih – I’m the same way. Within all the commotion, you get a sense of serenity. For me, and I’m sure a lot of folks that experienced it, coffee shop environments are like our old college libraries. Tons of people in a small cramped places. The only difference is that the NALGENE/SIGG bottles and silence is now replaced by cups of coffee and ambient noise.
I was a Border’s barnacle before they had wireless internet. It’s absolutely ridiculous that I now can’t find a seat here in the cafe now that they are offering WiFi. You’re right about the productivity away from home. I don’t like to associate my home with any business related work. I can’t speak for anyone else but to me, it is actually more distracting at home to do work than other places.
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